La Malinche does not like to be thought of poorly. In fact, he doesn't much like to be thought of at all. Most attempts to engage him in conversation about his past have resulted in a hasty change of subject, or in some cases a puff of smoke and a disappearing Malinche. However, collected here are the facts as we know them.

• At 12:36 am on October 25, 1984, La Malinche was born in Evanston Community Hospital. Rumor has it he was circumsized.
• La Malinche's earliest memory is of riding a yellow plastic dinosaur with plastic wheels and red-yarn hair back and forth in the short hallway between the kitchen and living room of his family's cramped Chicago home, next to the church where his parents worked. La Malinche has described the memory as "unbearably bright."
• In kindergarden, La Malinche had a 5-second fling with a pretty girl named Amanda who pushed him into a closet, kissed him on the lips, and fled.
• La Malinche remembers barricading himself behind the child-sized toy kitchenette at his school with another boy, whose name is now lost to history. They spent their recesses lobbing plastic carrots and cucumbers at the girls in the class.